I dunno why I'm pouring my heart out here right now. Guess because no one's reading and I can delete it later.

I'm still holding that brutalized heart/spirit. Still holding onto a shattered dream that didn't offer even a shred of truth. And everything that broke after.
I've accepted that everything is done. It's like it all happened yesterday.
I did need to part with some people from the last ten years. People who didn't recognize or believe or see my growth as a person. People who left me during the worst times, who I accepted back when I should've walked away. People who traumatized me so much I completely lost control of basic obligations, back when I lived in Albany. Right when I was growing up and doing the adulting ♥♥♥♥ right.

I was an actual literal mess.

It wasn't just last year, though it was the breaking point. It was EVERYTHING.
I need a therapist. Lol?

All I've done is let the trauma pile up more and more. I think what makes everything from last year different from the other trauma I've survived is, this itself came the closest to breaking my spirit. Damn near shattered me. It sounds dramatic but, there was an evening I sat alone in a Stewart's on Hoosick Street breaking down. I won't tell you what I was thinking then. But someone saw me and bought me a slice of pizza with no words. I still dont knlw who it was.
But it convinced me to ask for help. To go to Maine if I really needed to. That there was no shame in it.
I didn't want to, but I want to Maine. I owe my life to the folks I couch surfed with and my family for holding me when I was that broken down.
It hurt to see everyone pretty much ghost me after, made me wonder who were my actual friends but I'm still grateful to all of them.

I participated in an emotional healing/spiritual/tarot teaching workshop today, and the beginning steps for the rest of our time made me understand just how much I've been hurting. And carrying.
I didn't even give details about anything. After I gave an answer to one of the questions, our teacher/facilitator picked up on the what/why and said "Nobody should ever work through/hold what you're going through alone. We are holding space for you." (Verbatim)

I cried through the later half of it. Silently. Through the meditation, through the closing of the session.
Not one retreat I've attended helped me dive in and look inward like that.
I'm grateful. And also a bit afraid, of the weight and intensity of the wounds and grief. But also, I'm sick of letting those control my life.

If y'all look real close, one can see "S" instead of "J" in my new avatar. Gonna roll with it a while.

I've started doing vision board-ish stuff and holding myself accountable to it. I managed to get my dental health under control and restored finally, which took all year, so I know I'm able to hold myself to other longer term, un-immediate goals. One of them is getting an e-bike. I thought about it for a while, and recently understood it to be a reliable means of getting from town to town without relying on people with cars. There are several life and professional goals I need to work on/make happen, where I need some kind of transportation. I may not have a car right now, but I don't need a license for an e-bike, and that can help get me to places a 30 min drive away... though I'll need to save for much higher speed, higher battery capacity bikes.
Will see what I find around here at any rate. Even if it's thousands of dollars, it's still cheaper than a used car.